“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
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At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Comparing yourself to others
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.