Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
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No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Beauty and the Beast
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”