Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
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STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Try and stop me.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
This is my brand.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right