Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
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One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
hmm conte-me mais
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
#Caturday
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.