I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
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Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday