me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
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Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
lol
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store