Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
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[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
@funTweeters
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”