When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
This hospital has everything
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.