[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
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I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one