*names my little horse OneTrick*
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[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Always a metermaid never a meter
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.