You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
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“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Can’t stop laughing
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Catercrombie & Fish
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.