*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
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[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.