I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
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True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Sheep
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.