Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
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[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.