Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
You Might Also Like
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?