Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
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I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.