Should I call tech support or pray or what
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skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
“HELP WITH CAT”
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Me driving through Toronto
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.