I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
not seeing the problem
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
saving face 👀
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.