[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
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I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Two types of dogs.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.