When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
You Might Also Like
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Twitter remains undefeated
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I think my mom just blocked me
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.