“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
You know…for fall…
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus