You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
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One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.