I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
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Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building