Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
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I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
SPLOOT
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho