My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
You Might Also Like
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Good morning.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
#SCOTUS one-star review
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.