I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
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[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.