23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
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Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?