I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
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I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Breaking news:
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together