My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
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*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
cats when you pet them too long:
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog