We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣