Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
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Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
buys donuts instead
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*