texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
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Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Well. That’s not a good sign.