As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
You Might Also Like
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.