I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
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6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
me: my friends:
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.