NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook