a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Sooo many times…..
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order