me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
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* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴