[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
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It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.