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(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun