“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
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oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.