My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.