Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Oh my God.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
What the hell happened in there??
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy