Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
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I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.