Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
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all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.