me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
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older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
very niche meme I made
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]