Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
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When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
kitchen magnet
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
The Book. The Movie.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.