“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
You Might Also Like
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
A choir of Spring onions
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I love you…
…r dog.
Not😆🤣
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.