I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
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I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
where do you see yourself in five years?
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title