what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
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I have a place for everything. The floor.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Baking is just science you can eat.