Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
You Might Also Like
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.